


Wish i knew all along...

by Sad_Pawn



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Angst, Dreams, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mindfuck, Molestation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Spoilers - Journal 3, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-05 04:52:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10297943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sad_Pawn/pseuds/Sad_Pawn
Summary: Why couldn’t she just leave? It’d be fine if she just left. Dipper needed her gone.“It was about the eyes, ok?” His voice was full of irritation “I saw… her eyes. They were like those eyes. But they no longer are.” Please, go away. Please, just go. “I will talk about it with Dr. Codin later, ok?”She wouldn’t let him stay. He knew. The nurse took him back to his room and away from his sister. Before they left, she said that Mabel shouldn’t worry, that her brother just had a mental episode. His sister tried to convince her to let Dipper stay, but miss Martha was relentless."Don't worry, sweetie, he'll be fine. He just needs a little rest."





	1. My mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> Well, i wrote something again. Wow. Yay. Hurray.
> 
> This is gonna be a little fucked up. I guess this story is partially a vent. A lot of the setting is inspired by the time i spent in mental hospital. But the story is something i've had in my mind for a lng time now.
> 
> I'm not sure if there will be any graphic sex scenes yet, but there might be, so brace yourselves.

The first week was terrible. New environment, confusion of trying to explain everything, no Mabel…. Yeah, it definitely wasn’t pleasant.

The second week was passable. He learned this and that about the facility and found a friend. Also, his act became top notch. He stopped mentioning Gravity Falls, lied that what he did was just an impulse. He was positive that he would get out soon.

It was the third week when that happened. The event that was about to make him doubt himself and reality for long weeks.

***

Dipper was sitting on the chair in the lobby, swinging his legs back and forth. His eyes were locked on some apparently fascinating crack in the floor.

“Have they said anything about getting me back home anytime soon? I don’t think this place is doing me any good.”

Mabel patted his back reassuringly.

“I’m sure it’s gonna be fine, Mason.” She leaned over, trying to catch a glimpse of his eyes, but he turned away.

“You know i don’t like you calling me that.” He murmured. “Why can’t you call me Dipper, how you used to?”

“Bro-bro, what are you talking about?” She didn’t seem so keen on giving up trying to make him look into her face. “I never called you that.”

Dipper tried to calm down, as he felt anger rising up in him. He took a deep breath.

“Sorry. Forget i said anything.”

He never thought he could just not want to see Mabel. When he first woke up in the hospital, all he wanted to do was to meet her. To explain what happened. But when he finally saw her, the first time in a week, he almost wanted to cry. There was something off about her. Dipper tried to explain, to make her understand that it wasn’t him but Bill, but she didn’t seem to have a clue about what he was talking about. It was as if someone erased all her memories of their adventures in Gravity Falls. What was even worse, she didn’t even remember older things, like his nickname. He couldn’t understand how or why and it pained him a lot.

“Hey, it’ll be ok. I’m sure they’ll let you out as fast as possible. You just need to get a bit better.” It was apparent that she was trying to make her voice cheerful and reassuring, but her act wouldn't fool a four-year-old. "They just need to be sure that you won't... you know... h...hurt.... i mean do that thing you did again."

Dipper took a big breath. It was fine. Everything would turn up fine, wouldn’t it?

“I really just want to get out of here. This whole situation is scary and just… just inconvenient.”

Even with her sudden lack of memory, Mabel was still his sister. She would always support him, right? Of course, she would, she loved him, didn't she? She cared, right...? It... it was her... right...?

He needed to be sure. With pounding heart but calm breath, he looked her sister in the eyes. And then he saw it. Exactly what he didn’t want to see. Immediately he lowered his gaze again.

“Mason? Is there something wrong?” Even her voice changed now.

He couldn’t do it. It wasn’t in his head. He just knew it. Closing his eyes, Dipper felt so much anger running through him. How? How could they tell him that? How could they lie to him?

“Why? What did i do to you?” His voice was just a quiet whisper. “Why? Why did you come here?”

“Bor-bro? What… what are you saying?” She tried to grab his hand, tried to touch him. But he didn’t want her touch right now.

“What am i saying?!” He slapped her hand away. Hard. “Like if you didn’t know already. I asked why the hell are you here? What do you want from me? To taunt me? Laugh at me? Come on, do it, you stupid piece of shit. I’m not scared of you” He shouted, looking up to met her eyes again. And…

“I… i’m sorry, Mason. I’m sorry if i did anything wrong.” She was crying. Her beautiful, brown eyes were full of tears. “I know it is hard for you. But i’m sure you will get better, righ…!”

“What is going on here? I heard someone shout.” The nurse interrupted Mabel. They didn’t even notice how or when she get there.

Dipper quickly lowered his, now teary, eyes. Why? How? He just couldn’t understand. He knew what he saw. Still… she sounded so genuine. Her voice went back to normal too. Was that really possible? Possible, that it was all in his head? Or was Bill just playing with his head? Did he possess her just for that short moment? Dipper didn’t know.

“Oh, it was nothing.” He heard Mabel’s shaky voice. It was obvious she was trying to hide her tears “We just had a little argument, didn’t we?”

He knew her eyes were on him. She was waiting for an answer. Slowly, he nodded his head. He just wanted the nurse to be gone.

“About what?”

Why couldn’t she just leave? It’d be fine if she just left. Dipper needed her gone.

“It was about the eyes, ok?” His voice was full of irritation “I saw… her eyes. They were like those eyes. But they no longer are.” Please, go away. Please, just go. “I will talk about it with Dr. Codin later, ok?”

She wouldn’t let him stay. He knew. The nurse took him back to his room and away from his sister. Before they left, she said that Mabel shouldn’t worry, that her brother just had a mental episode. His sister tried to convince her to let Dipper stay, but miss Martha was relentless.

"Don't worry, sweetie, he'll be fine. He just needs a little rest."

***

“Please, don’t explain to her about… about the eyes.” Dipper pleaded on their way back to his room.

The nurse sighed, looking at Dipper with genuine pity.

“If you don’t want to, i won't. But it’d make her less worried if she understood what you are going through, don't you think?"

Dipper closed his eyes. Maybe it would be best to tell her? He didn’t want her to blame herself after all.

“Just… please, miss Martha, tell her that it wasn’t her fault, ok?” He kept looking at the floor. These days seeing him not looking down was a rarity.

“Ok. ok. i’ll tell her. And you try to cheer up. ok? I’m sure you’ll feel a lot better after a talk with Dr. Codin. Though you need to wait for him to finish talking with your parents.”

Dipper froze. He completely forgot. His parents came here to talk with his doctor. How… how much did he tell them? He didn’t want his parents to be scared of him. He didn’t want them to know what he did.

“Anyway, i’m gonna leave now, ok? Or is there anything you need?”

Dipper shook his head, though he knew he needed something. He didn’t know what yet, but the idea was slowly forming in his mind.

He scattered the room with his eyes. What could he use? He usually borrowed blades from his roommate, but he wasn’t there at the time. Slowly, trying to be as unsuspicious as possible, Dipper sat on his bed. In this area of the hospital, patients were allowed to have very little possessions, so the room was almost completely empty. Next to opposing walls, there were two hospital beds. Shelf for clothes was on the same wall as the door. There was an empty nightstand standing next to his roommate's bed. Well, he at least had something to put on it. Almost everything Dipper had was taken away while he transferred back here.

In this area there were also cameras in all the rooms, even bathroom. But for someone who was at least a little more than a newbie, all those obstacles were basically nothing. One just needed to be careful and not stain sheets with blood, and the staff wouldn't notice a thing. But before Dipper had any time to at least start preparing the tool he wanted to cut himself with that day, he heard someone yelling his name.

“Mason Pines, Mason Pines to the to nurse office immediately!”

He didn’t want to go. Not at all. Every meeting with Dr. Codin was like a nightmare. Still, he didn’t want to get in any trouble. Or, more accurate, he didn’t want to get in **more** trouble. So with a tired expression on his face and lowered eyes, Dipper slowly left his room.


	2. I know what i saw...

“So…” Dr. Codin looked down at few papers on his desk “Maso… i mean Dipper, can you tell me what exactly happened while you were with your sister? I could hear you shouting from all the way here.”

The doctor was a chubby, thirty-year-old man of average high. He’d always wear white, oversized coat along with dark, greenish shirt and white gloves. He had a very cringy type of humor - dad jokes were his main specialty. Dipper wouldn’t say that the man was unlikable or mean. Still, young teen couldn’t shake off the feeling that there was something off about him. Maybe it was the fact that he could never see his eyes properly behind those giant glasses of his, maybe it was his high-pitched laughter? Anyhow, young Pines had a really hard time trying to trust him. And Dr. Codin seemed to know that perfectly well.

“Well, you know…” It really didn’t seem to be a great time to talk about that for Dipper. Taking into account what happened just a few days ago, no time seemed to be good for talking with Dr. Codin about anything. But the man was very persistent.

“Mason. I won’t be able to help you work through that if you won’t talk to me. I know that you might still feel… a bit uncomfortable talking to me, but you have to let me put it past us.”

In Dipper’s eyes, the thing that happened was in no way anything that he could put past him. He still couldn’t believe what he saw… and did. Still, it didn’t seem that he had any choice. The only way he could get out of this crazy house was cooperating and at least pretending that he believes what they are saying. There was just no other way.

“I… i was just talking to her…” he started after taking a big, breath “and i just… i needed to check…” Dipper closed his eyes, trying to compose himself.

“You looked her in the eyes?”

It was more of a statement than a question, so the boy just nodded his head. Even then, he was still keeping his head down. Staring people in this eyes started to seem just so… dangerous lately.

“And what did you see?” Dipper heard Dr. Codin getting up as he asked this question. A few moments later, he was sure the man was standing right above him. The teen opened his eyes.

“Yellow eyes. Yellow, glowing eyes. Taunting me. Laughing at me. Wanting to…” Although his voice sounded dead and cold, he felt tears slowly dripping down his cheeks. Weird, he didn’t notice when he started crying.

“Mason… look at me.”

He really didn’t want to. It really wasn’t a good idea. He knew what he was going to see.

“Look me in the eyes.”

He couldn’t. If he did, bad things would happen. Dipper already learned as much.

“Very well, then.” The boy heard the angry whisper of the doctor before he felt his chin being lifted up…

…

He didn’t close his eyes fast enough.

They were there. As always since the “accident”. Dipper felt his heartbeat and breath getting faster. He wanted to close his eyes, to look away, but it felt as he couldn’t move at all.

“Do you think i am _him_?” And the voice. The fucking voice. The voice, that Dipper could recognize anywhere. “Are you looking into _his_ eyes right now?”

Dipper nodded almost automatically. He was feeling so many emotions at once, that he couldn’t really do much more than that. And then, everything stopped. The doctor turned around, putting his glasses back on again.

“He is not real, MASON. He’s never been. He’s never hurt you.”

Lies. Lies! Dipper felt anger pulsating everywhere in him. But he knew he had to calm down. Beside his own doubts, he also had to remember where he was. There was no time for outbreaks. He needed to just get out.

“But if he was real…”

Doctor’s words made Dipper practically wake up from his thoughts. Something seemed to be off. Everything should get back to normal now, right? He should be conscious enough to stop it, right? So why the voice… why the voice still sounded like _him_?

“...he’d probably love to see you like this. Do you…”

Dipper stopped listening after that. This… this was the proof. Dr. Codin had to be Bill or possessed by Bill. Why else would he taunt him like this? The teen tightened his fist, doing everything he could to stay calm. He… he had to come up with a plan. Yes, that’s right. Now, when he was sure, there was no time to waste.

“...so Dipper, what do you think of that? Do we have a deal?”

Dipper, still drowning in his thoughts, just nodded his head automatically.

“Great. I will inform your parents then. I’m sure they’ll be very happy to know that you are making a conscious effort to get better.”

The teen looked at Dr. Codin with misted eyes.

“Wait… what am i agreeing to?”

“Mr. Pines, weren’t you listening at all? I was just talking about how it would probably be best to sign you to individual psychotherapy. And i also said” a small smile appeared on the Doctor’s face “...that if you agreed to that, we could maybe transfer you to the main area in just a few days.”

Dipper was a bit confused. Wasn’t he already receiving a therapy? Why in the hell would he needed a new one?”

“What is this therapy?” He didn’t really care about getting better, but the promise of being transferred back to the main area… getting all of his stuff back... it was incredibly promising. Maybe he could put up wit just a little bit more of this nonsense for that?

“It should help you with accepting the reality. The therapist is a good friend of mine. He doesn’t come to the hospital often, but all the patients that he works with seem to like him.”

“I… umm… ok. I guess i could give it a try.” It shouldn’t hurt, right? Few wasted hours a week were a small prize for getting all of his stuff and friends back. The area he had a room in right now was just so awful and most of the patients here were… less than pleasant, to say the least.

“Great then!” Was it a genuine joy he heard in Dr. Codin’s voice? No, it couldn’t be. “You will have your first session later this day, ok? I’ll be sure to call you over.”

That seemed a little fast for Dipper, but it’s not like he had many ways to pass time here. Of course, he could start creating the plan of getting out of here and figuring out what the heck is wrong with everyone, but without any paper or pen, it’d be a very poor plan. So, after a long moment of hesitation, Dipper nodded his head.

“So we have everything settled then. Truly, i’m really glad you decided to try out this therapy. It’s good to know that you are making an effort to get better.”

Dipper wanted to puke. He couldn’t believe how Bill could be saying this and making it sound so unironic. He seriously had some great acting skills when he wanted.

“I believe we are done here for now then. Are you ready to get back to your area?”

Dipper nodded mechanically. He really didn’t want to talk to "Bill" for even only a second longer than he had to.

“Oh, and by the way, your therapist is called William Kimura, but everyone calls him Will for short. I’m sure you both will get on amazingly.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Codin is a pretty bad at his job. Oh well, that's what you get when the ambulance gets you to the nearest hospital and you don't have the time to choose where you are going.


	3. I am not alone!

_It’s always hard to fall asleep in a new environment. It’s even harder to fall asleep if one’s feeling trapped and watched. And that’s how Dipper was feeling right now. He still couldn’t understand why was he there in the first place. Alright, maybe he could understand why, but it didn’t make it any better. It wasn’t his fault that Bill… Bipper went completely nuts and tried to off himself. Why should he be the one experiencing the repercussions? He had no reason to be there. No need for therapy or meds or anything. Why was he forced to waste his summer like that? Well, at least he was finally safe from that stupid demonic triangle. At least he hoped he was._

_Thoughts like those and overall anxiety of being in a place that he wasn’t yet completely familiar with, surrounded by no one but strangers and of the knowledge of that his body almost died not that long age had been keeping him awake for three nights now. Three, because that’s exactly how long he had been in this stupid place._

_Dipper rolled to his other side. He wondered what hour could it be. Unfortunately, his watch was taken away the moment he was admitted to the hospital. Actually, most of his stuff was taken away. The took even his shoelaces. That seemed so insane to Dipper. How was he supposed to function in this kind of environment? Environment, in which he couldn’t even ever check the hour by himself?!_

_Hot under the collar after the realization of how powerless he was there, Dipper was ready to get up and find someone he could yell at. As he was getting_ up _though, he noticed that his roommate (he was pretty sure his name was something like Reynold or whatever) wasn’t asleep too. He was in half sitting position, doing something under the covers. Dipper… had an idea what the other could be doing. This idea made him uninterested in trying to disturb his “friend” right now. Instead, he directed his steps in the direction of the door leading to the hall._

 _“Get back to bed.” The voice was really loud for a whisper. It succeeded in getting Dipper’s_ attention _though. He turned around, seeing the other boy now completely sitting, with his arms comfortably resting on the covers. Somehow, Dipper felt a little disgusted noticing that._

_“Why would you want that?”_

_The other boy looked at Dipper with pity in his eyes, tho the teen couldn’t see that at all with how dark the room was._

_“Are you stupid? I don’t need them to come here and ask stupid questions about why we’re not sleeping right now.”_

_“Yeah,_ i _guess_ i _wouldn’t want to be caught masturbating in this kind of place either.” Pines’ voice was really smug, almost too smug for an anxious dork he was._

_If Reynold (?) could, he would probably punch Dipper at that moment. Instead, he just laid down, hiding completely under the covers._

_“Fuck it. I am not going to argue with you right now. If you wanna be an asshole and get the staff mad, then so be it. Just keep all the troubles away from me.” The boy sounded very irritated. Dipper didn’t talk much to him before and this definitely wasn’t a good way to become acquainted with a person he was going to share the room with for the probably longer amount of time._

_“Fine. If whatever you’re doing is so important,_ i _will just go to bed. I don’t want to burn any bridges here, ok?” Dipper sat back on his bed. No matter what, he was still feeling extremely tired, so he laid down, closing his eyes._

_._   
_._   
_._

_“Are you asleep?”_

_He wasn’t, but he also wasn’t sure he wanted to let his roommate know that right now._

_“Just wanted to tell you that_ i _wasn’t doing what you thought_ i _was. Actually,_ i _can show you what it was in the morning, ok?”_

_That seemed… out of place. Just a few moments ago this guy seemed to be ready to murder Dipper, now he wanted to be all buddy-buddy with him?_

_“Well, if you’re not asleep and wanna see, just let me know after breakfast tomorrow. It might take some preparation to do it properly.”_

_Dipper felt very intrigued. What_ the hell was _all of this about?_

***

“So, how did the meeting with your parents go?” This was the first thing Rey said, stepping into the room. He was a 16-year-old boy with dark hair and blue eyes. He was really short for his age, almost exactly the Dipper’s hight. Thanks to that he seemed to look fatter than he actually was. Young Pines had no idea why the other was put in the mental hospital, but he suspected it could have something to do with his random bursts of anger.

But at the moment Rey’s voice was rather cheerful, his walk energetic, his face bright. But when he noticed Dipper, his smile disappeared immediately.

Young Pine’s was sitting next to his bed on the floor, hugging his knees. As always, he was looking down. His stare was more blank than usual though, and anyone, even from a mile away, could see that he was in a bad mood.

“I guess it didn’t go so great.”

Dipper didn’t look up, didn’t say anything. It seemed to very concern Rey, as he decided to slowly sit next to his friend. For a while, they were just sitting like that in complete silence. Finally, Dipper sighed loudly, hugging his knees tighter.

“I’m scared to look you in the eyes,” Dipper whispered. All anger and will to do something had seemed to worn off after the meeting with Dr. Colin and now the teen was just full of fear and self-doubt. “I don’t wanna see him again today…”

Dipper never told Rey about the eyes or Bill or anything connected to Gravity Falls. It just seemed too personal to share with a random person. But it was no mystery for anyone that young Pines wasn’t a fan of looking people in the eyes. Most, however, had no idea why. Rey was the part of that “most”.

“Umm…” Apparently, Rey couldn’t think of anything to say. He had seen Dipper in that bad state only once, and it was when he got back to this area after the accident. He had tried to cheer him up then and it even worked, so Rey decided to give it a shot again.

“Hey, maybe you wanna… you know? It could get your mind off whatever bad happened.” The boy carefully looked at the angle of the camera placed on the wall and must’ve decided that in this position it could see only his back.

It took Dipper a moment to process what his roommate was getting at, but when he finally did, he slowly nodded his head.

“You’re right. Distraction would help a lot.”

“Heh. I knew you’d come around.” Rey smiled. Then slowly he opened his mouth and, as quickly as possible, spat something on his hand.

“Sorry, it isn’t really clean. I had to hide it under my tongue, cause they decided to inspect me after my visit to the workshop.” He laughed to himself. “As if i wanted to take anything from that dusty place.” He stopped talking for a while, focusing on wiping the blade from his spit. Suddenly, he stopped. “Maybe i should go clean it for you?”

Dipper who felt a wave of disgust seeing Rey spit out the blade, shook his head, pulling out a pack of tissues out of his pocket.

“I’ll just wipe it with tissues, but thanks for the offer.”

Rey shrugged, handing Dipper the blade. For few moments he was looking at his friend cleaning and then using the blade. He was the one that introduced Pines to cutting and he was quite proud of it. It really seemed to help Dipper a lot with relaxing

While Rey was drowning in his thoughts, Dipper finished. He took one more tissue to put on the freshly made wounds. He handed the blade to his roommate, who immediately hid it in his pocket.

Some good old self-harm seemed to help Dipper a lot, as the boy felt a lot more relaxed. It’s not that he loved pain, it just always helped him with escaping the cycles of feeling helpless. He had control over himself and his body and Bill couldn’t take it away from him. He might be in a really bad situation, but he can get out of it like that. If he can hurt himself, he is not defenseless.

High with confidence, Dipper finally managed to collect enough strength to check. With the pounding heart but calm breath, he looked Rey in te eyes. And… he didn’t saw it. He… he didn’t saw it!

All the tension, fear, anxiety escaped Dipper at once. He had someone he could trust. In his relief, he hugged Rey tightly... for what he almost got punched in the face.

“What the fuck dude? Warn me next time.” Surprised, the boy pushed Dipper away.

“Sorry. I’m just happy that you’re not him!” As the Pines said that, he felt a wave of self-doubt. What if Bill was tricking him? As fast as it came, all his confidence disappeared.

"What are you talking about."

He looked into Rey's eyes again. They looked normal, but...

"Sorry, it's nothing. I... i'll just... i gotta go. I didn't have a chance to tell you yet, but i'm starting new therapy today. Gotta get ready and stuff." Dipper nervously got up. "See you later." Before the other could answer, Dipper left the room. He wasn't sure if he was feeling better or worse than before the conversation with Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if it's really bad. I feel it's too bad.


End file.
